(Originally archived at the Real-Vampires website)

quicksilver

i sit so close to you
but i'm always
so far away
i could reach my hand out
but i could never touch you

like water
i can see my reflection
in your eyes
but it goes no deeper than the surface
you don't really see me

quicksilver
slipping through my fingers
that's what you are
that's what you'll always be

(written 22 oct 98)

profile

i've never written
love poems
about you
or to you
and i
never will

the marble of
your face
frightens me
sometimes

i see the fragile
delicacy of human life
in your smooth features

there is beauty
in your weakness
and there is strength

your breath of life
is imperfect
yet this way
you are more truly
alive

the warmth in your eyes
melts me
your innocence
untouched by
apathy

i will never
write a love poem
to you

instead i offer
an ode
to your
translucent youth and
vivid beauty

(11 dec 98)

moving on

time
is not what you think
silver whispers fade away
echoes dissipate
memories turn to dust
silk becomes ash

yet out of the ashes
new flames will burn

time
is not what you think
life
is not what you dream
death
is not paramount

what fades away
will fade away
but all will be reborn

(written 12 jan 99)

disappearing

lock the door
with golden keys
try to turn around
oh try to see
me

standing as the
shadows falling
all around
sprinkle on the
ground

cold frost
icing on my
cake
you won't find
me
here

try to see me

(written 4 feb 99)

before you died

you
didn't ask
did you
didn't ask
about a damn bloody thing
did you

but that's alright
there's nothing
to ask about

and you're still
sinking
under the waves
foam washing over
your mouth
and your
nostrils

you didn't ask
did you
didn't ask
for permission
to go away
forever

but that's alright
there's no way
to punish you now

you just never
thought
never thought
about a damn bloody thing
before you jumped

before you climbed onto the roof
before you mixed the barbituate cocktail
before you swallowed the razor
before you slit your wrists
before you turned up the gas
before you bathed in kerosene
before you loaded the pistol
before you fell on your sword
before you rigged the nose

you
didn't ask
did you
didn't ask
about a damn bloody thing
did you

before you died
and left me all alone

(written 22 feb 99)

sun and light

sunlight
spoke of your name
yet i refused to
listen
summer
quickly faded
in the night

why did i
look at you
like that

why did i wonder
who you were
and why you were
who you are

when i heard your name
i refused to listen

(written 27 feb 99)

memory

time
walks on her tall tall stilts
i used to call to her
but she despises me now

i broke the dishes in the cupboard
one by one
very slowly
so that i could hear the porcelain shatter
and hear the tiny pieces skitter across the floor

oh that cold linoleum floor
cold and lonely and mistreated
abused worse than a dog in the pound
we were so cruel to that floor

everything is dust now
all my old friends
and even the old songs i used to sing
the dust is incarcerated in seperate caskets
in seperated graves
with seperate tombstones
which all bear the same name:

memory

(written 4 mar 99)

salvation

slowly on the water glide
take me gently to your side
when dawn rises then be mine
lest i eternal lonely pine

touch me with your burning hand
on my white flesh do leave a brand
fold me up in your embrace
take me to a softer place

do you see the dreams i weave
the chilling whispers that i leave
do you see them where they fall
or do you hear their muted call

down into a dark abyss
a chasm devoid of all bliss
please come to be my salvation
please do heed my supplication

save me with one kiss

(4 march 99)

nightmare

if
i wanted to have a
nightmare
i would
seek out your arms
and curl up
to slumber
in your embrace

your daemons
would soak through
my pale skin
and lymphy blood
into my bones
into my marrow and my
dreams

leathery wings
would haunt the
chambers of my mind
icy fangs
would pierce
the
veins under my skin

a single eye
shining and beckoning
would sing to my soul
with bright dischordant notes

a drumbeat
would echo my
heartbeat

my chest would rise and fall
as purple roses spread
beneath my transparent skin

then my breath would
cease
and i would cling to you
for comfort

(written 7 march 1999)

someone's beloved

would that i
were someone's beloved
would that i
had a home to return to
would that i
felt no pain

perfection is
a philosophic illusion
as is pleasure
and love
and joy

anguish
is the eternal state
of my soul

move on
move on

but i have nowhere to go

(written 9 mar 99)

missing

my limbs ache
my lungs ache
and so does a place
deep in my soul

there is an emptiness
inside me
a painful empty void
where there used to be
warmth

my chest burns
my throat burns
and so does a place
deeper than my soul

(written 1 oct 98)

winter falls and shadows grow

can't remember
why the moon
is shining

i expect
i will die soon
from some terminal
disease or another

just one year
isn't long
but at least
it's something

wish i knew
why you don't smile
at me

you used to
be warm
used to make me
happy
now you make me cry

don't know why
life is painful
but it is

some things are certain
others aren't
i just know
there's not much time

there's no such thing
as time

can't you tell me
how to smile
again

can't you show me
life can be
enjoyed

there was a time when
all i wanted
was to feel you
arms around me
like a strong castle
keeping out the
winter wind

but now i know
it would be cruel
your arms would be empty
far too soon and suddenly

when all is on the verge
of becoming ash and dust
what purpose can be found
in making friends
if nothing will remain

(written 20 oct 98)

please don't

don't ask
because i wouldn't tell you
my cup of acid
is not for others to drink

don't ask
if i'm alright
you would force me
to lie
because how could i tell you
that i'm dying

don't ask
if i'm happy
you would force me
to lie
because how could i tell you
that my soul is rent assunder

don't ask
if i'm safe
you would force me
to lie
because how could i tell you
i trust no one
--not even you

don't ask
because you don't want to
know the answers
you don't want to
share my pain
you don't want to
see my torment
you don't want to be burned
by the acid in my soul

(written 20 oct 98)

late walk

hallucinations
i must be going mad
i see a cruicifix in the trees
under the street lamp
at the intersection

naked branches
are ghostly claws
silhouetted against the black sky
reaching towards the darkness of might

has a gnarled hand
with twisted fingers
snatched down the moon?

i can't feel anything
the wind blows through me
i see blood
blood drips from my palms
and pours down my side

hallucinations
my mind is slipping
silent voices scream in my head
the sidewalk spins around me
and as i stand under the
bright harsh glare of the streetlamps
the whole world fades away

a slow echo
rips through my spin
the light hurts my eyes
i must be going mad

(written 22 oct 98)

©Gulmaram 1999